the three canonical responses...

Part one: The wind-up
I had a very uneventful flight to New York – probably 15% full. Okay, I’m a statistician – I attempted to count them. I thought that the big airline companies hired people to make complicated models to predict what a director at my last company daintily called “butts in seats.” Somebody modeled poorly.

So in LaGuardia, just like in the movies, there’s a limo driver (Mimi) waiting there at baggage claim holding a sign that says, “J Coltz.” I’m thinking that this is pretty ridiculous and that someone is perhaps playing a joke on me. Someone IS playing a joke on me, because as we exchange pleasantries, Mimi informs me that this is her first night on the job alone (she formerly drove a taxi, only in Manhattan) and that she has no directions to Long Island. She follows by expressing the hope that I have a lot of time on my hands. You know me – too nice. “Sure, no problem at all. I’m in no hurry tonight!” The truth is, I have to pee badly and am dying of hunger.

Anyway, the driver combined in her demeanor some of the features I have come to know and love in my cubicle mates over the years, albeit with added profanity and a Jersey accent. Loud, aggressive, has all the answers, and a laugh that could kill small vermin. I had to converse with her for about an hour as we proceeded, stop and go, down Grand Central Parkway. Well, she did most of the talking, actually, and at the end of the trip, she inexplicably stated, “I’m a good listener, aren’t I.” Some gems from her monologue:

Mimi: I’m really gettin’ into classical music. But shit, y’know, I know what I like, y’know? (Loud laugh)
Me: Well, are there any composers or musicians that you particularly enjoy?
Mimi: There was this song on the radio, but shit, I only heard the first half of it. I never got the name of it because my kid starts screamin’....

Mimi: I like you – you talk to me. They either don’t talk at all, or they talk way too much, tellin’ me where to turn and shit like that. But you know what the worst ones are?
Me: Uh...no. What are they?
Mimi: The ones that just sit in the back seat and fart. They yak away on their cell phones, shift to one side and fart away. How rude is that? But do you wanna know what’s even more disgusting?
Me: (Sigh) Uh, no. I-I mean, sure.
Mimi: The fat guys who get in the car, fall asleep in like, 15 seconds, and just fart in their sleep all the way out to Jersey. Silent but deadly, y’know. (That laugh again) Gotta roll them windows down to get some air. Silent but deadly. SBD.

Mimi: I only do this drivin’ shit for fun – my REAL job is in e-commerce.
Me: And what do you do in e-commerce?
Mimi: I teach people how to make six-figure incomes on the Internet.
Me: Wow! You know how to make a six-figure income on the Internet?
Mimi: That’s what I said, didn’t I? Is that not what I just said? Some of my students have become multi-millionaires.
Me: Um...have you ever put your teachings to your own, uh, personal use?
Mimi: Nah...I’m not really interested in making money myself, really, although it’s been a shitty year for me. I didn’t even make enough to buy my kids Christmas presents.
Me: Oh, um, I’m sorry. You accept tips, right?

Part two: The punch
Mimi: So, like, you got any hobbies?
Me: Um, yes actually. I’m into typography – you know, fonts.
Mimi: (Silence. This brings Mimi’s monologue to a dead halt.)

Silence is the first canonical response you receive when discussing typography with someone whom you do not know. It is strongly advised that you discuss your passion for type only with those whom you trust.

Me: Like, computer fonts. Times New Roman, for example, or Arial.
Mimi: Oh, I never really gave much thought to it. Shit, I just figured they were sittin’ there on the computer and machines just made ‘em or somethin’.

“I never really thought much about it” is the second canonical response. People have either thought deeply about type or not at all.

Me: Yeah, I actually run a little website on type. On the fonts themselves and a bit on the people who design and produce them.
Mimi: Can you make any money at that – makin’ fonts?

This is the third canonical response. People want to know if making typefaces is a viable or even lucrative career option. Your answer will invariably disappoint them.

Me: Some people do. But for many, I think it’s beside the point.
Mimi: Huh. (Then silence, which brings us right back to canonical response number one.)

29-December 2002