exceptions: from the naïve to the bellicose

The canonical responses aren’t all-inclusive, of course. There are those to whom you’ll mention your interest in type, and upon hearing this, will exclaim, “Oh, me too! I just love, um – what’s it called – oh yes, Financial. I use it for everything!”

Loathe though you may be to admit it, these persons constitute a collection of remote yet kindred spirits; not nearly ready for the big leagues, they nonetheless pique your interest and bring a sparkle to your eyes. This is because, at the very least, they seem to be paying attention; they transcend basic awareness of a font menu and know just what they like.

The sparkle is duly doused when you realize, as you have so many times before, that they’re not wannabes and have no interest in the big leagues, for to their way of thinking, they’ve already arrived.

So sure are they in their expertise, they’ll publish funeral announcements for the former VP of Human Resources in Tekton because “it’s friendly and comforting;” so determined are they to “do something different,” they’ll distribute last week’s meeting minutes in Garamond italic, and next week’s in Baskerville bold; and so impactful do they wish to be that they will compose the cafeteria menu in, well, Impact.

In their own minds, they know as much as you do, you realize; and to the few who willingly admit that you know more, you are a fool for accumulating such a store of useless knowledge. Don’t tell these people that you purchase fonts; an even greater fool will you instantly become.

But the sad truth is – and you well know it – most of them actually do know more than you! Their grasp of fonts comprises only a small subset of their design-related knowledge base. They have mastered all mundacities (should be a word) and intricacies of PowerPoint, including but not limited to fancy transitions that employ the insertion of sound clips from old Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals; they can use more colors in their Excel spreadsheets than they can actually perceive with their standard-issue video cards; and they are so proficient in WordArt that, to the delight of the division president, they’ve successfully redesigned the division logo using it.

Try to tell these people rule 3.5.1: “Change one parameter at a time.” Go ahead – I dare you. You’ll receive a swift kick in the ass in the form of a smile and a brief expulsion of air through the nostrils that says, in effect, you’re a fuckin’ loony. Push them on 1.1 – you know, that balderdash about typography existing to honor content – and you might get that kick for real.

In a blind attempt at retribution, I attempted a solo coup at my last job. There, the use of Times New Roman in all reports was mandated. I snuck Minion in through the back door; trouble is, no one ever noticed. Some coup. Some revenge!

The moral of the story is – at least for those of you with one of those “day jobs” – don’t try to win; you can't! Just stay low. Besides, we like our type community small and smart, don’t we?

22-February 2003