What has long been a topic of speculation among many of his readers now seems to be confirmed: Jon Coltz, proprietor of the type blog daidala, is suffering from a protracted and indeed severe case of writer’s block.
When pressed for comment, Coltz had only this to say: “I’d like to post on why I haven’t been writing, but I just can’t seem to find the words.”
While some readers are confident that Coltz’s hiatus is temporary, others are less hopeful – and less patient. Gladys Torkanainnen of Ontonagon, MI – an admitted financial supporter and self-described “former” reader of the daidala site – lashed out: “He coulda gestated a fuckin’ baby in the time he’s taken to do jack shit nada.”
Coltz countered, “Ms. Torkanainnen has a god-awful understanding of human reproduction. As far
as I know, I got no volvos, uvulas, hors d’oeuvres, or any of that plumbing that’s pretty much
required to keep a baby goin’ inside o’ there. I do have a really fine pair of nipples, though.
Why men have nipples, I’ve no idea; I guess that is and always will be one of the great mysteries
of the universe.” Coltz continued, “Did you guys know that, when I was in the 10th grade, I had
the largest jugs in my class – 36DD’s, to be exact. Larry Dykstra hit me in the head with a shotput
during gym class, and the doctor said that’s why my testo- um, tetra- uh, that’s why my ‘mojo’
went away. After six months or so, the honkers started gettin’ smaller, but I still got a good
Dr. Irving Rosenbloom, Chief of Neurosurgery at Boston General Hospital – and erstwhile novelist – examined Coltz last month using a battery of psychological measures. He commented: “While Coltz probably has the most severe case of verbal logorrhea I’ve seen in my 34-year career, he is extremely reluctant to put anything down on paper. I can certainly empathize; I’m having some trouble of my own right now with my latest all-family feelgood romantic suspense-thriller, tentatively titled ‘A night at the drive-in with my forceps, my retractors, and you.’” Rosenbloom continued, “Anyway, MRI work done on the patient revealed a startling lack of brain cells in area 81b – or in layman’s terms, the ‘motivation center.’ It’s as though nothing was ever there. To be honest, it’s a medical miracle that he ever posted anything on his site at all.”
It may sound like “weird science,” but Rosenbloom and his team of doctors are poised to proceed with the first-ever cerebral replacement in a human. “We have utmost confidence in a new outpatient procedure in which Coltz’s left hemisphere will be replaced with that of a gecko lizard, and his right with an HGH [growth-hormone] fed chicken.” Rosenbloom explained, “After it became clear that a mammalian surrogate was infeasible, we began to compare Coltz’s brain to those of a host of avian and reptilian species. In the end, we flipped a coin to decide between the gecko and the hen, and wouldn’t you know, the coin landed on its edge! Darnedest thing. So we decided to do a little mixin’ ‘n matchin’, and we’re now confident that we have a close analogue to Coltz’s native but defective brain in size, shape, and neurological activity. We basically have nothing to lose at this point, and clearly so much to gain.”
While it’s anyone’s guess what effect the residual growth hormone might have on Coltz’s breast size, which Rosenbloom describes as “alarming, but not altogether unattractive, in a 38 year-old male,” the predicted increase in Coltz’s motivation is more certain. “He’ll awaken each day and immediately begin working.”
Coltz agreed, “It’s true – I’m gonna get up real early in the morning, go onto the World Wide Web, and read the news, the weather, the sports ... and then I’m just gonna Google the hell outta all kinds of shit. Learn about stuff I never even realized I had to know. Like about Paris Hilton.” Coltz’s wife was quick to add, “Needless to say, we’re pretty desperate at this point in time. I mean, the chicken’s not even free-range.”
But Torkanainnen was skeptical upon learning of the upcoming surgical procedure: “I’ve PayPal’ed that sonofabitch over 51 grand since Christmas – all the money I used to send to Jim and Tammy Faye. What I feel like is I got shafted ... is what I feel like.”
Coltz would like to thank Torkanainnen personally for indirectly covering the costs of his operation, but once again, he claims he simply cannot find the words. As for daidala, which Coltz has let lapse since August of last year, only time will tell.